The Art Of Procrastination; A Beginners Guide.

Quite recently I contemplated introducing an in -depth course on the practice of procrastination and ...well quite frankly, I procrastinated. Many of the candidates who signed up for this exclusive opportunity to learn at the feet of one of the masters of the subject simply gave up waiting for the course to begin and drifted away.

They obviously would not have made good candidates if they were expecting a start date that was set in stone.

Sadly I hear they now fill their days with all sorts of tasks that require extreme attention to detail, deadlines that demand getting the job done on time, on budget and. …Oh whatever.

A loss to society I say.

Now if you are like me, procrastination begins as soon as you wake each morning with yet another long day stretching out before you filled with essential tasks to complete before the sun sets in the west.

Take the simple task of the cleaning of teeth for example.

For me this can swallow up a good hour as I procrastinate doing all sorts of other things.

I find myself staring at my Gillette Super Power Stealth Razor replete with its five blades.

I can spend a good fifteen minutes wondering as to exactly why we now require five blades to ‘glide’ across the face.

I mean, what was wrong with the three that I recently got used to?

What do those extra two blades accomplish?

Now, believe you me, this can absorb a fair chunk of ablution time.

Couple that with the time spent pondering on the ‘genius copywriter’ who thought up the name for your razor … what is a Stealth razor for goodness sake?

Does it hide itself in the bathroom like a ninja ready to leap out only when the cheeks and jowls are suitably lathered with foam? These are questions that need answers people!

Now its lunchtime

Perhaps by now you have solved the puzzles of branding, made a decision to Google in an attempt to find out how that foam shoots out of the can and why it is now necessary for your toothbrush to have that ‘bendy’ concertina like device in the middle of the stem.

Ok to work!!!!

As a writer I have that iron willed discipline that allows me to churn out a short story every decade or so meaning my work ethic is high!

Management has cunningly positioned my writing ‘nook’ at the bottom of the stairs so that my list of deadlines and chore lists affixed to the wall is exactly at eye level from the last tread of the stairs.

The trick here is to cover ones eyes to avoid seeing my partner’s detailed wall planner, piles of finished manuscripts and a pristine surface devoid of yesterday’s tasks. (We share a fairly large desk)

My side resembles something that hurricane Katrina might have left behind in its wake. All surfaces are adorned, nay covered with post it notes reminding me of tasks to perform.  Many of these little yellow stickers have yellowed with age and now curl up like ancient pieces of parchment from the middle Ages.

The trick again is to glide past, promising that you will return in due course to attack the pile of unread mail, persistent e -mails from irritated editors and to clean up that post- it note debris.

A coffee should spur one into a caffeine frenzy of activity!

The kitchen is a treasure trove of procrastination and I can spend an extraordinary amount of time pondering the marvels of kitchen appliances and the like.

Take the lowly cheese grater for instance.

It takes time to ponder how some clever engineer worked out just how many of those rough sticky out things are required to create the perfect amount of powdery Parmesan.

One’s dwelling, when you work from home is a veritable Aladdin’s cave of ways to fill ones day and keep you away from those pesky chores. A gossip magazine tossed nonchalantly into the trash by the housekeeper can be retrieved and read cover to cover. Tricky for me as the text is in Bahasa Indonesian, however I persist if only to gaze at pictures of Indonesian soap opera stars.

Suddenly by God, it’s a little after five and terror strikes deep into the heart as you hear the sound of management’s footsteps entering your sanctuary. Rush to desk, make a little more mess, frantically encourage computer to boot up, place a well- chewed pen or pencil between the lips and look suitably studious.

When asked, my reply is always, “ A splendid days work…I really do think I am making some serious progress here”

Procrastination and sloth, they make such fine bedfellows!

Paul v Walters is the best selling author of five novels. He also writes for several travel and vox pop journals around the world.