Paul Walters

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I Never Sang For My Father.

I Never Sang For My Father.


The title of this piece is attributed to Robert Anderson who wrote the melancholy play of the same title.


I buried my father a few years ago.

Buried is perhaps too loose a term as his body had already been reduced to ashes by the time I had returned ‘home’ to pay my last respects.

For some reason, it was left to me to collect his remains one dismal day in January when the sky was the colour of dirty slate with low clouds scudding like furtive dogs across the sky.


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The funeral home was a sad, stand-alone gothic structure painted in a dull shade of cream, replete with a faux tower making it appear as if it had been used on the set of the Adams Family. The front door, when opened triggered a small bell that tinkled merrily as if one was entering a cheery stationary shop or a confectioner.

Once inside I was met by a small statured, nervous-looking undertaker wearing an ill-fitting morning suit who, after I had introduced myself raised the delicate matter regarding the outstanding account relating to the cost of the cremation.


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Once the overdue invoice had been settled and several official looking forms duly signed and receipts issued, he shuffled to the rear of the building and returned carrying a small brown cardboard box held together by a piece string that ended in an untidy bow.

Our solemn business concluded, he hurriedly ushered me to the door where he muttered the usual salutations, expressing his sorrow for my recent loss.

I have always found the language of death to be curiously prescribed as if lifted from a greeting card written by a frustrated copywriter locked away in the bowels of a Hallmark building somewhere.


« BN

3

I placed the container on the passenger seat of the car wondering if I should secure it with the seatbelt. There it sat like a silent sentinel and, on driving away I noticed, for some reason that my driving habits became doubly cautious. It was as if I was waiting for a parental rebuke as to my reckless use of the clutch or told to temper my speed as I approached a stop sign,

Safely cocooned within the solitude of my hotel room with blinds drawn and the brown box positioned in the middle of the bed, I, at last, plucked up the courage to attack the untidy knot holding the entire ensemble together.

Once the tangle had been conquered I gingerly lifted the lid and stared inside, noting with interest that the contents barely filled half the space of the container. I carefully lifted the package from its resting place and lay back on the bed holding in my hand the last of my father, trapped inside a small, plastic bank bag.


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Holding it up to the light I could see that a crude attempt had been made to scratch the bank’s logo from the surface with little success. Ironically, it was a bank that my father had despised with a passion and he would rant and rave about their unethical business practices to any poor soul who would listen.

I twirled the bag between my fingers looking at it from every angle then brought it closer to my face, better to see the greyish, white powder within.

Judging by its weight I estimated that the entire contents of the pathetic receptacle would possibly fill a medium sized cup. This handful of dust and ashes were all that remained of an eighty-year-old man who had strode this world determined to be unremarkable.

It had been his emphatic wish that, upon his death, there was to be no funeral or memorial service, no fuss or, as he referred to it, “ simply have me burned and be done with it,” He seemed to have no sympathy for the living or indeed those of us left behind.


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Death alone merely ends our time on earth, however, it fails to end relationships, which remain like an indelible stamp in the consciousness of those closest to the recently departed. I long suspected that sometime during his life my father had lost his faith, even though he never spoke about it, he was just indifferent to the rituals of death and dying.

Truth be told, we never spoke about the act of dying, in fact, we never spoke much at all really, he and I.

Even even though we shared the same DNA we somehow never understood each other; it was as if the gene that governed the bond between fathers and sons had been deliberately left out of the sequence.

We muddled through my childhood and teenage years keeping pretty much to ourselves like two menacing boxers circling each other in a too- small a ring knowing full well that never a punch would be thrown.

He was certainly not a ‘bad man’ in any sense of the word. I was never beaten or abused; it was just that he was altogether distant and indifferent to my needs. He provided me with a decent enough education and a sanctuary of sorts within the family home, which, from the age of fourteen I was chomping at the bit to leave.


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In many ways, I was fortunate to have seen him before he left this world when I travelled across the seas to visit him during his last days. There were regrets on both sides but in a way, it was far too late for those, for regret we both knew was a somewhat wasted emotion, however, today I take comfort in the fact that we parted on good terms.

I was determined to offer my own memorial service by scattering his ashes in a beautiful spot where he used to cast a line into the ocean, chasing the elusive fish that swam beneath the rocks.


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I remember him well, standing tall like a reckless sentinel atop an outcrop, the waves crashing at his feet almost willing the angry seas to sweep him from his precarious perch. 

It was a place perhaps where he always seemed to be at his happiest.


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Naturally, our last act together had to have an almost comical ending as I tried to spread his remains on those self-same turbulent waters by casting them into a prevailing wind.

My sister, watching from afar made the remark when the deed was done, saying, “ You have a bit of Dad in your eyebrow.”

I think even he would have found that amusing.

As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.

Paul v Walters is the author of several best selling novels. When not consumed in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali, he scribbles for a number of travel and vox pop journals across the globe.

His latest offering, Asset is slated for release in late 2017

www.paulvwalters.net


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Komentar

Robert Cormack

4 tahun yang lalu #42

This is too reminiscent of when my father passed away, Paul. Same cremation, same small box. I'd planned to scatter his ashes at the farm where he grew up in Port Perry, but my aunt told me the farm wasn't there anymore (it was a subdivision). Late that fall, I decided to scatter his ashes under a lilac in the back garden. As I opened the box, a hard rain started up, and I dumped the ashes, figuring I could spread them out when the rain stopped. It turned to hail, then snow, the a long winter came. By the time everything melted, my father's ashes looked like a white flagstone. In memory of my father, who stuck like glue to the periwinkle, I took a hammer to that unintentional gravestone, making a mess, which I'm sure delights all my dead relatives who who are probably still saying, "That's what his father would have done." Good piece, Paul.

Debasish Majumder

5 tahun yang lalu #41

Great buzz Paul Walters! shared. thank you for the buzz.
Poignant and so very moving. A fitting testament to your father. I'm sure there was love there. You just told me so.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #39

#43
CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit On the contrary, it is you I should thank

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #38

#42
Thank you

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #37

The Time Before Dying https://www.bebee.com/producer/@cityvp/the-time-before-dying Thanks Paul !

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #36

Aleta Curry many thanks as always Aleta

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #35

#38
Thanks Jerry

Jerry Fletcher

6 tahun yang lalu #34

Paul, There is a finality to putting your father to rest. Mine passed last year and was interred in a mausoleum. The casting of your Dad's ashes in a favored spot seems to me a better ceremony than all the pomp funeral directors try to muster. I hope you can carry that memory with you including the bit of ash that settled on an eyebrow. Thank you for a truly touching story. JLF

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #33

#28
CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit Thanks you and as always wise words !!

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #32

#29
Sonny Melendrez Thanks for stopping by, as always much appreciated

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #31

#30
Moi Kliniger Thanks for stopping by, much appreciated

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #30

#31
Pamela \ud83d\udc1d Williams Thanks so much... it means a lot to me

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #29

#32
Ken Boddie ThanksKen, good to hear from you

Ken Boddie

6 tahun yang lalu #28

So sobering sad, but masterfully descriptive, Pak Paul. A remarkable reminder that the bonds of family are stronger than the conflicts of character.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #27

#19
First of all Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but that loved ones were oblivious to. Thus the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we can leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things as an undiscussable or we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #26

#19
First of all Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but that loved ones were oblivious to. Thus the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we can leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things were undiscussable or we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #25

#19
First of all Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but we became obvious to. Thus the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we can leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things were undiscussable or we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #24

#19
First of all @Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but we were oblivious to, so the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things undiscussed and we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #23

#19
First of all Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but we became obvious to, so the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things undiscussed and we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #22

#19
First of all @Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but we became obvious to, so the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things undiscussed and we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and if he did not think about us, that itself is a wisdom for us, the living.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #21

#19
First of all Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee you are remarkable and yours is not a chip-butty hot dog consuming telly watching beer guzzling fart and sleep life, it is one that is actively fighting for the rights of people, one that is socially conscious and one that has endured the difficult side of existence. During life if we don't have the end-of-life conversation then we should not be surprised about the surprises of death. One of those surprises of death is what that person actually did for you, suddenly you find responsibilities that the deceased carried but we became obvious to, so the more we do for others when we are alive, the greater the hole we leave behind when those people realize that AFTER we die. If that hand off is not discussed before the end-of-life, that is a greater burden than the grief that accompanies death that was put out of mind during the living years. People do face their own mortality in short reverences during a funeral, because even if we feel that we are attending for the loved ones, that piece of uncomfortable mortality is passing through everybody's head and it does that because we leave these things undiscussed and we are frightened or superstitious about tempting fate. What I love about my mother is that she has the death conversation, but she also has the death planning and that goes all the way to who is in and out during a wedding, because she anticipates the burdens before they become a burden. Whereas my dad just cries his eyes out and that who he is. Did he think about us? is not a question that gets us anywhere, we are the ones in the land of the living, we still get to think about us and it maybe he did not think about us, but that itself is a wisdom for us.

Ian Weinberg

6 tahun yang lalu #20

Ah Paul Walters again the masterly strokes of an artist! And so inevitably is the ponderer inspired to reflect under a 'dirty slate sky' as to what it's all about, between the ashes to ashes gap. And so my informed response ... who the heck knows. Just laugh a lot, hug a lot and stay curious!

Ian Weinberg

6 tahun yang lalu #19

Ah Paul Walters again the masterly strokes of an artist! And so it inevitably is the ponderer inspired to reflect under a 'dirty slate sky' as to what it's all about, between the ashes to ashes gap. And so my informed response ... who the heck knows. Just laugh a lot, hug a lot and stay curious!
"It had been his emphatic wish that, upon his death there was to be no funeral or memorial service, no fuss or, as he referred to it, “ simply have me burned and be done with it,” He seemed to have no sympathy for the living or indeed those of us left behind." "My sister, watching from afar made the remark when the deed was done, saying, “ You have a bit of Dad in your eyebrow.”" For the first quote, I disagree that he had no sympathy for those left behind. I have made these instructions to my offspring. I do not wish to burden them with the cost. And when life is unremarkable, so should death be. For the second, it is painful to see such a bonding of life and death, and I feel for you and your sister. In this piece you certainly sang for your father. What was his name?

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #17

Jim Murray

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #16

#6
Gert Scholtz Thanks as always

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #15

#8
Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher Ah , what woiuld I do without you !

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #14

#12
Thank you sir always appreciate your wisdom

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #13

#13
Don \ud83d\udc1d Kerr Thank you. As al3ways appreciated ..a bit or a deviation from my normal flippant self !

don kerr

6 tahun yang lalu #12

Paul Walters beautiful.

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #11

Funerals are an industrialized process which only remind me how much of an industrial conveyor our lives are on, but in scattering your fathers ashes that is the difference between you and both me and your old man. Your father and myself are men of simpler means whereas you and even people like Dean Owen are men of the world. You instinctively took the ashes to a place befitting the meaning of death, whereas if I cannot be buried (and I most probably won't) then at least my kids can fullfill one of wishes which is to empty my ashes into a street drain, preferably on a rainy day - because end-of-life rituals is meaningless to me and it was meaningless to your father. Look at my kids, they too are worldly and love travelling and then a couple of weeks later they come home expecting hugs and welcome home signs. Whereas I would look at them and say, were you not the one's pissing off to Europe and Mexico and Puerto Rico and wherever because it was "fun". Where I am fortunate is that we do live together and we respect that we are different people, and that is the respect I read here. At the same time I know death does hold reverence for many people, as well as anxiety and pain and I do have empathy for that, indeed an amazing amount equal to my overworked mirror neurons, but as your buzz pointed out very well, there is the seedy side of it which is just a business for someone. It should not cost $10,000 to burn a body but somehow the funeral directors get to give us our final marketing rites. So it is that it is ashes to ashes, dust to dust, money to funeral directors.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #10

Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee thanks for that and my sympathies reach across the waters to everone in Spain . Stay strong

Lisa Gallagher

6 tahun yang lalu #9

#9
I think your English is wonderful Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee. I can't even speak Spanish. So happy Paul is on beBee too!!

Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸

6 tahun yang lalu #8

I think, I envy you now. 🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝 My english is so poor! My spanish is ok but I am not a man of letters. Proud of having you on beBee. thanks for tagging me.

Lisa Gallagher

6 tahun yang lalu #7

Paul Walters, this was very moving. I had tears until I read about the ashes on your brow... I think my sisters, brother and I would have laughed too if that had happened. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? It sounds like you found peace about your differences just before he passed and continue to since then. I swear there are so many things I understand about my mom now vs. while she was alive. She never spoke of death and dying either. I found that tough but I understand now, she had to be at peace with death, I think your dad was too. This sort of stirred something up- after mom passed the funeral home was quick to give our family books with urns and other trinkets you could 'buy' to keep the ashes close by. I was the only one in my family that didn't take her ashes in any form. I felt the funeral home was in the business of making a ton of money off of death. I had no need for her ashes because she will always reside in my heart. I remember feeling anger when they were trying to push vulnerable family members to buy their merchandise. Our parents are free from this world!

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 tahun yang lalu #6

Beautifully written Paul. I did get misty eyed here and there. I admire your courage and acceptance of the end of this beautiful relationship. Acceptance is the most difficult battle in life but once won over will take us a long way. Hope both our dada's are looking from above and smiling.

Gert Scholtz

6 tahun yang lalu #5

Paul Walters I read every word with reverence –so well written Paul. A difficult passage that many of us have experienced in some way. Thanks for the post.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #4

#4
Pascal Derrien You flatter me, however I will take the praise, I need it right now !

Pascal Derrien

6 tahun yang lalu #3

Oh man that's why you are a writer and others can only dream of producing such a piece. SUPERB Paul Walters

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #2

Don \ud83d\udc1d Kerr @shelly Brown

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #1

#1
Kevin Baker Thank you Kevin, Perhaps, who knows? I don't ponder too much these days. I merely hope that the 'sins of the father' and all of that !

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