Hypothetical Arguments I’ve Won In The Shower.

Management has been a little concerned about my well - being of late and perhaps with good cause.

You see, I tend to spend an extraordinary amount of time on my own these days doing, well, not a lot really if truth be told.

I have offered a rather weak defence that I am well into my next book, which is a barefaced lie of Trumpian proportions.

I have started the book, if by starting means I have a couple of potential titles but no plot, let alone an idea, setting or indeed characters and have wisely invested the meagre advance from my mean publisher in beer and, on occasions in strong liquor.

It’s the procrastination that I fear is to blame for my current state that seems to have taken over my days. This malady began a few years ago and has now run rampant and advanced into a situation that could safely be diagnosed as terminal! Coupled with sloth, my affliction makes for an unholy alliance that would cripple even the most seasoned of athletes.

Now the expression, “the spirit is willing,” used to be something I embraced with undisguised gusto until there came a time when I simply said, “Know what? Can’t be bothered!” The body is weak so bugger off spirit.

This self- enforced solitude is a strange thing as suddenly there are not a lot of people to disagree with some of my more outrageous ideas and opinions. This can be rather refreshing, especially when in the shower.

It is a fabulous auditorium to hypothesize, argue and expound on my ever increasing list of grievances and issues. Not to mention my more outrageous theories.

My delusions, if that is indeed what they are, can lead to some incredibly deep and emotional arguments and when they occur I am able to expand on my strong points by illustrating my theories via writing on the steamed up surface of the glass.

It is an effective and altogether sound way to rehearse for say a trial defence or a presentation to the board on a new marketing strategy. The trouble is, I am neither a trial lawyer nor a senior marketing director, so my arguments tend to be a tad hypothetical.

I do not restrict myself to minor or mundane matters for no issue is too large or complex for me to tackle. Be it peace in the middle east, climate change or taking on the American people who seem to be infatuated by a rather delusional president.

Normally I wait until management has left the premises before entering the speakers chamber, naked and ready to take on the next pressing issue in my ever expanding retinue of weighty problems.

Now, I do realize (fortunately) that I am living in a fantasy world and sometimes it can be embarrassing to be ‘caught’ mid-speech when management comes home unexpectedly having forgotten something.

A solid knock on the bathroom door normally precludes the statement, “Who are you talking to in there?”

“No one” I usually answer sheepishly, “I’m just singing.”

“I don’t think so”, will come the voice from behind the door, “Sounds like you are in the middle of one of your unintelligible rants”

lately I have been finding business cards left not very discreetly on my pillow. These heavily embossed cards spruik the attributes of local psychiatrists or psychologists who specialize in unusual afflictions such as talking to oneself!

I will take no heed of these charlatans as I do think it’s healthy to voice one’s opinions out loud when there is an audience of just one. i.e. me! I tell myself that by exercising my right of free speech and exercising that right in the privacy of the shower is a marvellous act as I offend absolutely no one.

I do recommend this practice to those of you who have problems at work or are frustrated at the antics of your elected officials. Its rather simple, close your eyes, (this has the added benefit of avoiding getting soap in your eyes) imagine yourself in the setting you wish to be in and let rip. I guarantee that within minutes after delivering a heated argument the offending issue will have been solved.

I do suggest that if you live in drought-affected regions to keep your speeches short in order to conserve water, thus emerging from the chamber a responsible citizen.

Do restrict your diatribes or arguments to the confines of the shower as practising these, say on the bus or walking in a crowded urban environment could be taken the wrong way by the general public who may take you for being a crazy homeless person.

After putting these thoughts down on paper I have had an idea and so must retire to the shower post haste to argue the merits of ‘shower arguing’ to the International Olympic Committee to have it declared an Olympic sport

Wish me luck!!

Paul v Walters is a best selling novelist and travel writer.