Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu · 3 menit. waktu membaca · ~10 ·

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How To Hop Across A Few Continents On Three Legs.

How To Hop Across A Few Continents On Three Legs.


If there is one thing I have learnt after many years of travel, it is the trick of, ‘travelling light’. Excess baggage is nothing more than a cumbersome millstone when boarding planes, trains, boats or any other form of transportation when one is on the move.


SR

When taking family vacations to far flung climes, our two daughters would have to endure having their luggage inspected by the terrifying “luggage police’ (i.e. management) who would discard items at will from overstuffed bags. Numerous pairs of shoes, make up containers, hair straighteners, hair dryers and other such items would be tossed into an ever - growing pile until the travelling bag was suitably anorexic enough to pass the ‘travel test.’

This discipline has served me and I hope my offspring well as I have perfected the art of using just one smallish bag and a light backpack to accompany me on journeys that have often lasted months…. 


That is, until now!


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In a couple of days we shall depart Bali and will visit, Cambodia, South Africa, Botswana, Namibia, U.K. France, Spain and possibly Portugal over the course of about fourteen weeks. Now, usually I wouldn’t be at all concerned about luggage as my trusty bag and backpack cope surprisingly well on extended trips such as this one however, something happened recently to upset the balance of my regimented regime.

I broke my bloody ankle.

This injury required some rather invasive surgery which involved the inserting of all manner of pins and plates into my lower left leg which will, from now on set off every metal detector at airports around the world. I envision myself stripping naked in front of hordes of waiting passengers in order to convince security personnel that I am in fact not carrying a weapon of mass destruction.


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I have begun to assemble everything I will need on this journey and because of the state of my left limb; my luggage quota seems to have swelled as if in sympathy with my damaged ankle.

I sit morosely in my wheelchair staring at the pile of ‘stuff’ that will have to be carted aboard numerous airlines, boats and trains. Apart from the cameras, lenses, laptop, journals, i-pad and hard drives there are three items that have suddenly become indispensable to the trip and unfortunately, without them I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

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A grey orthopedic boot will be attached to my limb, which I am reliably informed will assist in me get around. This ergonomically piece of equipment actually comes with a manual on how to use it! There are numerous buttons that operate air pumps for inflating and deflating the boot along with all manner of locks levers and industrial strength sheets of Velcro to keep everything in place. Assembling an item from IKEA, with that ridiculous Alan key they give you, is a lot simpler. The cost of this space age piece of equipment is actually bigger than the GDP of a small African county.

Oh yes, I almost forgot Romulus and Remus, my despised companions who, although supposedly commissioned to assist me in the simple task of ‘getting around,’ cunningly inflict more pain on my body than a torturer from the Spanish Inquisition could ever manage. They are of course the ever - present pair of crutches.


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Now these bits of wood with negligible padding at the top meaning that one’s armpits are subjected to excruciating agony every time one takes a step, are my constant companions.

Lately, on my rare forays into the outside world, these dastardly crutches seem to elicit pitying stares from passers by who no doubt whisper to themselves, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

 Now I have gleaned a little from this incapacitated state that I find myself in, I intend to milk it for everything it's worth, especially when it comes to airlines.

I have cunningly crafted letters to the heads of airlines telling them that I will be flying on their carrier in the next couple of months and I might find this awkward given my frail state. I have to say that that the responses have been somewhat gratifying. Seems I shall be met outside each airport by a flunky from one of the carriers I shall be using on that particular day. This poor soul will then have to wheel me to check in, through the ‘infirm’ security and immigration lines to the airline lounge where all manner of treats will be brought to me in order to ease my suffering.


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I will of course make my severe discomfort known to the airline staff and, if I were to be convincing enough,  hope to hear those magical words, “perhaps sir would be more comfortable in 1st, that way you can elevate your leg.”

“ Oh yes, thank you so much” I will reply in a pathetic voice, “ That will be most helpful, however could you ensure that management gets looked after in row 92 in economy, she’s been such a treasure throughout all of this”


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Now I am not sure whether this ploy will in fact play out the way I imagine, but if it does I am more than willing to rent Romulus and Remus, as well as the moon boot, to those contemplating an intercontinental flight in the near future.

That is once my affliction has healed of course so stay tuned!


Paul v Walters is the best selling author of several novels and when not cocooned in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali, he scribbles for several vox pop and travel journals around the world. His latest offering, Asset, should, (barring any other unfortunate accidents) be released in late 2017.


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Komentar

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #30

#32
Dean Owen Airavata here I come...Thank you

Dean Owen

6 tahun yang lalu #29

#31
Sounds like after all that activity and cunning you deserve some pampering and liquid refreshment. May I suggest the signature cocktail, the Airavata at the rather splendid Elephant Bar at the Raffles Grand Hotel d'Angkor....

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #28

#27
Dean Owen Greetings from Phnom Penh . Well have to say the boot is working!!! A 'private tour " of Angkor Wat after closing time, An upgrade on Air Asia of all things, and a "royal Suite" on the ground floor of the rather fabulous "Pavilions" hotel In Phnom Penh . Saturday I fly Qatar Airways to Hong Kong and on to Jhb via Doha. And we know whats happening with that little nation...I'm plugging for 1st class as I suspect the plane will be empty anyway....tally ho. halfway through a rather lengthy blog on Cambodia... bit of a 'bruised plum' this poor country !

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #27

Jerry Fletcher It works. Am in Cambodia after being upgraded on the flight out of Denpasar. Whizzed through customs, immigration and security. The caring guy pushing me even waited for my luggage,,,, I just found a new way to fly!!!

Jerry Fletcher

6 tahun yang lalu #26

Paul you have my sympathy and fingers crossed behind my back for your attempt at first class upgrades. You know, that wheel chair trick can get you special treatment in a lot of museums and other tourist venues...

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #25

#27
Dean Owen Gosh for a moment we thought we had lost you !! Checked all the hospitals, clinics and fleshpots with no success !! However, here you are safe and sound!! need a bit of Owen writing to amuse myself while getting pushed around in a wheelchair by strapping African lads so jump to it!!

Dean Owen

6 tahun yang lalu #24

As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University! Your trip is a sure recipe for some amazing articles to follow although it sounds harsh for a four legged trip. I wish you the best of luck and a safe journey....

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #23

#25
Ken Boddie Thanks ken...break a leg indeed!!! Couldnt help yourself could you?

Ken Boddie

6 tahun yang lalu #22

Bloody oath, Paul! Bleeding an airline for everything and anything you can get? Who'd have figured? Sounds like an excellent plan, mate. Good luck with that, or as they say in the theatre, "break a leg!" 😂

Lisa Gallagher

6 tahun yang lalu #21

First class it must be! :)) Oh Paul Walters, I remember when my husband had 2 90 deg. leg braces and graduated to 20 deg's with a walker, then crutches. He learned to put his pride aside. It sounds as if you are doing the same and you better! I would hope people would be happy to accommodate you! When do you get to ditch the boot and crutches?

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #20

#22
debasish majumder As always ...thank you

Irene 🐝 Rodriesco

6 tahun yang lalu #19

#18
A brunette and a blonde, daughters of the town of Madrid, 😃. Here we await you.

don kerr

6 tahun yang lalu #18

Paul Walters I recommend that you fully embrace every pathetic expression of pain, discomfort, and martyrdom. Not convinced the airlines will give a shit as they seem to be in the business of kicking people such as you off their flights now but who knows. Good luck! Looking forward to your reports from the road.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #17

#7
Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee Thanks . Should be in Spain mid August

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #16

#9
Irene \ud83d\udc1d Rodriguez Escolar A blonde and a brunette might do the trick !!! Thanks

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #15

#11
Todd Jones Thanks for that . Methinks I shall avoid travel in the USA while Mr you know who is in the White House.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #14

#10
Brook Massey There is no doubt...thanks for stopping by

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #13

#12
Gert Scholtz ...the puns are coming thick and fast

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #12

#13
Bengt Hahlin I shall take all of that advice on board ....thanks for stopping by .

Gert Scholtz

6 tahun yang lalu #11

Paul Walters This what they call bootstrapping a holiday! Good luck Paul. Looking forward to a get together with Ian Weinberg and to the many travel blogs that are to come from your trip.

Brook Massey

6 tahun yang lalu #10

Paul Walters , milk it for everything you can! Safe travels.

Irene 🐝 Rodriesco

6 tahun yang lalu #9

No more unfortunate accidents. I wish you a good, pleasant, comfortable, trip, as far as it can be. Perhaps on your journey through these different destinations, "get a pair of more comfortable twins."

Ian Weinberg

6 tahun yang lalu #8

For a price I'll send you a 'sick' certificate. Should get you minimum, business class Paul Walters. Just transfer you voyager miles to me after your trip. beBee - a great place to do business.

Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸

6 tahun yang lalu #7

Paul Walters let me know if you come to Spain ! A hug!

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #6

#3
Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee Thanks for stoppin by, always a pleasure to see your name.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #5

Pascal Derrien I promise I shall pass on the secret tips ...to you and you alone !

Pascal Derrien

6 tahun yang lalu #4

Fair play to you I broke two toes a day before a trip to Amsterdam and I cancelled years ago as I could not envisage or picture myself with the added complication of limited mobility. But I am no super hero traveller either 😀 I agree on tricks and tips have a safe travel
Hahahahaha Such a pleasure. So great you get to travel with all your treasures--including your boot.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #2

Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee @ shelly brown

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #1

Dean Owen

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