Home For The Holidays Is Certainly Not For The Faint Hearted!

The holiday season is almost upon us. At this time of year we usually lock up the house, farm out any remaining pets and travel elsewhere often to stay with family or friends, far from the madding crowds; away from the frantic Christmas shoppers and out of earshot from those annoying Christmas jingles, so beloved by shopping malls.

Last year our planning went slightly awry and, without warning we became unwitting  ‘hosts’ over the festive season. A few rough calculations were made on the back of an envelope and, when we reviewed the figures it seemed we had made a sound, strategic financial decision. All that money saved on airfares, ground transport, accommodation and all round fun could be tucked away for a mid year break all by staying at home and having a 'few' relatives stay. How wrong we were!

Now, in order to be gracious hosts a variety of hats need to be worn and we dutifully divided up the chores between us. Meet and greet committee, concierge, bellhop, chef, transport coordinator, chambermaid, recreation officer and a host of other posts too numerous to mention.

Living as we do in a city beloved by tourists, there was no shortage of willing participants keen to take up residence and settle in for a damn fine vacation. At this point I should perhaps ‘break out’ the requirements for keeping one’s guests happy so that readers of this column can refer to this guide should they foolishly decide, like us, to embark on the rocky road of entertaining hordes of relatives and friends during the Christmas break.

FOOD

Keeping guests well fed and watered is one of the fundamentals of a contented hostelry. Once the guests have ‘checked in’ you will find that suddenly you have become the local supermarket’s best customer.

Last year I spent so much time at the check out that the woman operating the register and I became firm friends to the point where she hinted I had become a strong candidate for the position of godfather to her children.

DRINK

Its extraordinary how quickly guests are able to leave the pressures of work behind them and, coupled with the summer heat, they take to drink like camels to water. Inventories done first thing in the morning will reveal that the mountains of alcohol purchased the previous day will have been seriously depleted.

The fellow who runs the liquor store surreptitiously slipped me a card the other day giving the address and phone number of the local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter after once again filling the car to capacity with all manner of bottles. As he handed me the card he whispered, “ I know you’ve had a tough year but really the answer to your problems won’t be found at the bottom of a gin bottle.”

LAUNDRY.

To cope with the expected influx of guests, I recommend investing in an industrial strength washing machine, those favored by dry cleaners. Laundry will pile up like flotsam on a beach, begging to be washed. 

As you fare-well one group of departing guests it is straight to the bedrooms to strip sheets, pillow cases and duvet covers, get them into the machine, so that they are washed, dried and put back onto the beds before the next intake of hungry, thirsty and weary travellers arrive.

RECREATION

Apart from the breakfasts, lunches and dinners, interspersed with morning and afternoon teas, guests will demand a host of recreational pursuits. Fortunately we have the beach (this does however impact on the laundry department as the washing of beach towels after a fun day in the sun has to be done overnight.)  Rainy days are not something the hosts relish.

Vacuuming the floors while the guests occupy all of the chairs in the living rooms means one has to clean around them and endure the tut- tutting and grumbles as the noise drowns out the commentary from whatever holiday sporting fixture or Christmas films are on the television.

COUNCELLING

As with all family holidays there will be the inevitable squabbles between siblings, cousins, parents and the like. After a long, languid lunch where the wine has flowed freely, issues can and will be dredged up from situations dating back to childhood that have no doubt left deep emotional scars.

The trick here is to attempt at all costs to cut these issues off at the pass. Failing to steer the conversation in a different direction will result in an awkward silences at the meal times leaving it up to the hosts to provide bonhomie to lift the mood around the table.

DEPARTURE.

Thankfully, vacations do come to an end and the hosts; tired and worn out and, we having spent the equivalent of the gross GDP of Burundi, wave goodbye to those nearest and dearest to us. As the last vehicle departs the house will suddenly resonate with silence and emptiness, which the hosts can then fill, with domestic bickering about either party’s relatives.

One thing we do know is that next year, we will far away.  

Paul v Walters is a best selling author and, when not cocooned in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali he scribbles for several travel and vox pop journals around the world.

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