Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu · 6 menit. waktu membaca · ~10 ·

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Heavenly Summit; A Morality Tale Of Sorts .

Heavenly Summit; A Morality Tale Of Sorts .

This story was first published in my short story anthology entitled, " Looking For Lionel & Other Stories. I thought it pertinent to repeat it here...enjoy!                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Saint Peter sat back and watched his faithful servant Joshua make up his customary end of day gin and tonic.He was,

quite frankly, exhausted.

It was just on twilight and the pearly gates were closed for the day yet, an orderly queue of souls, stretching for as far as the eye could see, waited patiently for the following day's intake.

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He sighed, and looked at tomorrows calendar and saw that it would be even busier than today had been. An earthquake in Turkey, 40,000 dead, an airline crash in Russia with 290 on board as well as all of the traffic accidents heart attacks and other natural deaths, it never seemed to let up.

However, he was grateful for the new processing software that had been installed by that young hotshot from Silicon Valley who had perished in that motorcycle accident two years ago. The system had certainly made the administration a lot more efficient and, to think he had almost denied him entry after his dalliances with those prostitutes and his excessive use of cocaine but, the man was incredibly persuasive and he could see now why his start-up company on earth was still so successful.


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Joshua appeared at his right shoulder making him jump. " For Lucifer's sake " shouted Peter " don't creep up on me like that you gave me a hell of a scare!"

" Apologies your holiness, but I have a message from head office," said Joshua bowing low and falling to one knee.

" Oh stop fawning, " said Peter irritably " I know you've been with me for four hundred years but this 15th-century peasant behaviour of yours is becoming more and more irritating "

' Forgive me your mightiness " said Joshua bowing even deeper than before and holding out a note embossed with the heavenly seal. " This was hand delivered a few minutes ago by one of HIS heavenly handmaidens "


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Peter snatched the note and tore it open scanning the contents and frowning deeply as he read its contents.

He was to present himself at the heavenly residence the following evening to attend a summit of all the leading figures in the heavenly kingdom. 

What could be up?

He retired to his study to think. A summit. " We haven't had a summit since the time of the black death when we had to stop the plague as it was clear that all of humanity would be wiped out.

 It must be serious.

The following evening he donned his finest snow-white robes and, attended by twelve winged angels, made his way to the heavenly residence. There was to be a meet and greet cocktail party before the saints would sit down and discuss whatever it was that had to be covered, however, he did have an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

As he drew up to the palace he was met by HIS majordomo on the front steps who signalled the parking angels to secure his gilded chariot.


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Peter greeted him with his customary disdain " Tell them to be careful. The last time they scratched the bodywork and it was a devil of a job to fix it. " 

Peter had always secretly coveted this place as his own residence was not quite as magnificent.  HE would never allow him access to that wonderful interior decorator Michelangelo who somehow had ingratiated himself within the inner circle.  

He strode past the splendid frescoes and into the ballroom where angels floated around with trays of delicacies and exotic drinks and noted that all of the senior members of heaven were present.


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As the keeper of the gates, Peter rarely socialised with his saintly colleagues choosing to stay aloof as the number two in the heavenly pecking order, thus tonight's soiree was out of the ordinary for him.

He felt compelled to head towards a huddle of disciples who all fell silent upon his arrival.

" Peter, you look so well, better than I've seen you in a hundred years "

"Cut the flattery Luke it doesn't become you, " said Peter taking a glass from a passing angel " Mathew, Mark, John, Thomas good evening I trust you are all well?"

" So what is all the secrecy about? We haven't had a summit for over 500 hundred years " he said, glancing around the room.

It was big he thought, every accountant of note was here and even and some of the famous economists of the last few hundred years. 

What was going on?

Suddenly a gong sounded and everyone turned to see HIM enter the room bathed in that celestial light that always enveloped HIM " How does he do that? " muttered Peter to himself as he headed to bow before GOD

Niceties were put aside as everyone was ushered into the meeting room where an enormous table was set.The room always impressed Peter as Michelangelo had faithfully recreated the Sistine Chapel meaning ceiling frescoes were simply to " die " for.


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With the required solemnity, delegates took their seats with Peter on HIS left as was customary.

Peter glanced at the agenda in front of him and went cold when he saw the only item listed… ADMISSIONS; his department.

GOD rose to speak and Peter was caught in that celestial glow that he felt now put him in the spotlight.

" Greetings to all of my esteemed guests and to your heads of departments. We are assembled tonight to discuss a grave crisis that has come to light in the last few weeks and one that could bring the kingdom of heaven to its knees.

As you are all aware the earth's population has reached epidemic levels and housing the recently departed is becoming more and more difficult. The adage, 'my father's house has many mansions' is becoming a little stretched, to say the least," and something has to be done.

 It would appear that somehow we have allowed undesirables into the kingdom and, without our knowledge, they have corrupted our system that has been a way of like since time began!"

Peter began to shrink in his seat trying desperately to get outside of the celestial glow. This was definitely merde hitting the heavenly fan!


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" On my rounds recently I came across a gathering of angels being addressed by, Lucifer forbid, a LAWYER “ As he said the word, spittle flew from HIS mouth, “ “not only that the lawyer’s guest speaker was a REAL ESTATE AGENT “

HE paused, gazing around his trusted inner circle stopping from time to time to let his eyes rest on a possible culprit.

“ I sat in on this presentation “ he continued “ disguised as I always am when touring heaven, and was saddened by what I heard. These charlatans held the angels in raptures with their patter”

He paused yet again, sipping slowly from the goblet before continuing “ The gist of this was that these two undesirables were selling the merits of upgrading their residences by means of something called low-interest loans. HE clicked his fingers and an attending angel appeared and handed him what looked like a contract.


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“This document lays out the terms of the arrangement whereby it seems that the purchaser forfeits their good deeds and commits themselves to taking on a debt of sin to cover the cost of their new home.”

“ Sin, it would seem, has been packaged up into something called C.S.O.’s which is an acronym for something called, collateralised sin obligations.”

There was not a sound in the room, and by now Peter was beginning to perspire a little and it wasn’t from the heat of the celestial glow.

“ And who packaged up all of this? “ HE let HIS gaze travel across the assembled throng, “ well let me enlighten you … BANKERS” he roared “ yes bankers apparently roam freely amongst us in the kingdom of Heaven  with real estate agents and lawyers in tow “


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HIS head dropped to his chest and he spoke in a hushed tone.

“ It would seem that now, some of my beloved subjects have taken on so much sin that they can never, in all of eternity, repay it. The lawyers are, even as we speak, foreclosing on their homes and many are being expelled from the kingdom. 

How can this be? “

“The Reserve Bank of Hell has apparently packaged up all the debts of sin and begun trading them on the open market in exchange for good deeds, meaning that our society will be flooded with souls who have no right to be here. We thought this had been stamped out on earth but a certain Mr Trump it seems has overturned the regulations.”

HE turned to his left and spoke directly to Peter

“ I believe the cause of this rests with you, Peter.

 It was you who talked the admissions committee into installing that software which was obviously flawed and, because of this, we have a crisis of unimaginable proportions on our hands.

If we do not stem the tide now, soon we will have more toxic sin than righteous good deeds and the entire system will collapse”

I would like to see you in MY office right now.” 


With that, HE strode from the room.


                                                             .........................................................

“ Your move Peter, “ said the prince of darkness, having just removed Peter’s knight from the chess board

“ Oh yes, sorry it’s so hard to concentrate in this insufferable heat, “ said Peter “and coupled with that, the light is rather gloomy wouldn’t you say.

“ Oh come, come, “ said Lucifer, wiping an invisible spec from one of his horns, “ do I detect a note of self-pity in your voice? “


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“ Look on the bright side, your payout package from heaven was huge, publicity was kept to a minimum, your quarters here are simply fabulous and lo and behold, you have attained a seat on the Hades Board, not bad for someone who fell from grace so quickly, wouldn’t you say.

 Do cheer up old chap, what say after lunch we have a little fun and attend the burning of one or two of those pretentious art dealers we are holding in the lower chambers? “


Paul v Walters is the author of several best selling novels and when he is not cocooned in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali he scribbles for several international travel and vox pop journals.


Komentar

Lisa Gallagher

6 tahun yang lalu #14

Paul Walters, your humor rings so true. Well crafted my friend!

Ken Boddie

6 tahun yang lalu #13

#12
Indeed, Pak Paul. The tropical heat here in Queenland is a dress rehearsal for where I'll be going and I’ll be so busy catching up with all my old mates that I won’t have time for emails.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #12

#8
Proma \ud83d\udc1d Nautiyal . Thank you, much appreciated.

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #11

#9
Ken Boddie . Ah, who knows, if I go first I'll send you an email...that is if they have internet and if I don't end up with the pretentious art dealers!!

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #10

#10
CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit . Too kind as always sir!!

CityVP Manjit

6 tahun yang lalu #9

Steve Jobs would never be party to writing such bad and sinful software, but you can't exactly use Bill Gates name because he is not quite dead yet. I did learn a new word because I had to google what Majordomo was and apparently Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Majordomo is still seeking improvements regarding lack of citations. Also I know what French for "merde" is and consequently have come upon the expression "merde de taureau" which I have to say sounds infinitely more suave and sophisticated as a smart alternative to the overused English expression. Very enjoyable and witty story, with great humour and writing. It simply adds much to the originality you demonstrate over and over and over. My chief takeaway is seeing this as an example of writing sophisticated humour. It communicates well and it is the work of a great storyteller. Kudos !

Ken Boddie

6 tahun yang lalu #8

One helluva heavenly hangover, Pak Paul. Have we all signed our souls away for the promise of broadband? Global warming reaches new heights.

Proma Nautiyal

6 tahun yang lalu #7

Excellent buzz, Paul Walters...I was grinning from ear to ear while reading the story. Absolutely amazing!

don kerr

6 tahun yang lalu #6

Paul Walters A rollicking good laugh. Thanks Paul!

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #5

Don \ud83d\udc1d Kerr

Ian Weinberg

6 tahun yang lalu #4

That's telling 'em Paul Walters Excellent piece. Don't hesitate to call me when they come after you...

Pascal Derrien

6 tahun yang lalu #3

Simply brilliant and deliciously blasphemous 😇😈

Randall Burns

6 tahun yang lalu #2

LMFAO!!! That's great Paul Walters

Paul Walters

6 tahun yang lalu #1

Ian Weinberg

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